I didn't predict this...

Today, I want to share a beautiful story with you. It's a bit long, but worth it (I promise :)

This fall, when Gabriel was having a rough time, I started putting notes into his lunch box as a way to be present and stay connected with him during his day.

One of Gabriel's gifts is paper folding, and I knew he'd be totally psyched if I turned the notes into paper art, so I did.  I've been doing it every day since (and yes, I send them for Isaac too.)

Fast-forward to this week... Gabriel had a meltdown on Tuesday evening after his agreed upon screen time was over. He hadn't used the time the way he wanted to, and demanded more time. I went over, gently put my arms around him, let him know I heard him, and reinforced the limit. He cried for a while, then got angry and refused to get ready for bed.

Here's where it's so important to know your child. I had let him know that: 1. I heard him and 2. the limit was in place.  With Gabriel, once is enough. Any more processing and he shuts down. So, I let him know the time frame for bedtime, and gave him some space. 

As Isaac and I worked together on packing his lunch for the next day, Gabriel came over, grabbed his own lunchbox and threatened to tear up all the notes I had written to him (yes, he's kept them all <3) I calmly let him know that the notes are his to do with as he wishes, and encouraged him to think about whether he might be sad once he's not angry anymore and they're all torn up. Then, I went back into the kitchen to help Isaac.

Gabriel stood there at the table, a note in his hand, looking at all the other notes on the table in front of him. He started opening them (I was listening for the sound of tearing, because honestly I would have been sad if he chose to tear them up.) He just kept opening them ~ there are a lot ;) 

At some point he went into his room. I invited him to join us when it was time to read before bedtime, but he declined. After a while, he came down and snuggled onto the chair next to me. Bedtime was smooth sailing after that.

When I was putting him to bed a bit later that night, he was extra loving. I asked him if reading all those notes helped him to calm down, and he said yes. He said that when he read one that said 'feel your heart opening' he did feel it open. We talked about what that felt like. It was pretty awesome.

We never know exactly what our kids will do with the information we provide. We're planting seeds, and then get to watch in wonder as they grow.

How have your kids surprised you? Leave a comment below, share your story, I'd love to hear it :)

this is not about perfection

Recently, I wrote that parenting is a practice that asks us to move with grace between our needs and our children’s needs, a journey of growth if we let it be.  (If you didn’t read the post, you can find it here.)

I love thinking about parenting in this way, because it takes the pressure off. It allows us to be human and to feel connected with other parents who are on the same journey.

And so, I’ve continued to refine the idea.  Here’s what I have to add today… parenting is a meditation.

If you've hung around here at all, you know that I strongly encourage every parent to create some kind of self-care practice, with meditation high on the list of recommended practices.

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend about this metaphor, only she doesn’t meditate and so she didn’t follow. Maybe you do meditate, and you know exactly what I mean. If not, I’d like to share with you what I shared with her.

People often think that meditation means to sit quietly with a completely blank mind for as long as possible, as if there is a ‘goal’. I believed this for a long time too, even when I had begun meditating. But what I finally began to understand is that meditation is the practice. That is to say, meditation is the process of sitting with quiet mind, getting off track, noticing you’re off track, and coming back to quiet mind.  It is this, over and over again.

And so it is with parenting. When I say parenting is a practice… yes, to some extent I mean that it is a learning process and that if we practice it improves with time… but the deeper truth of what I mean is this: it is the process of finding your calm center while parenting, getting off track, noticing you’re off track, and coming back to center. It is this, over and over again. 

Parenting is a meditation ~ tweet that!

I bring this up because when I was talking with my friend yesterday, she said to me: “I’ll bet you’re calm with your kids all the time, right?”  Oh my goodness, no ~ I am not. I get frustrated, angry, and off balance.  This is why I have such compassion for parents, for all of us. We just want to love our children, to do our best for them. And we are human. We are not perfect. 

My wish is for us ~ all parents ~ to learn to forgive ourselves when we find ourselves off the path. When we do, we can get back onto it that much quicker ;)

Love and compassion,
xoNatanya

practice, dance, journey...

I was recently talking to a mom about my mission to support mothers in becoming calm and confident when parenting.

"Really?" she asked, "does that happen?"

Ha! (I had to laugh.)

If you've been following me for any length of time, you've heard me say that parenting is HARD. Our children are constantly pushing our triggers, and we are constantly facing our greatest lessons, usually when we least want to learn them ;)

My answer to her question was (and is) "yes, it does happen". AND, it's a practice, a dance, a constant growth trajectory. And this is what I coach with clients ~ how to walk the path calmly and with confidence.

Thing is, every family is unique. This is not a one-size-fits-all, family of four smiling as they walk in the park, kind of thing. That 'perfect' family?... in about 4 seconds, the little boy is going to whack his sister, or the baby is going to start crying, or the mother is going to start worrying about how much time she'll have to cook dinner when they get home. There's no perfect, and there's no 'there' to get to.

Parenting is a practice, calling us to be present now... and now... and now... (one that requires deep breathing ;))

It's a dance, between our deepest needs and the needs of our children.  

It's a journey of growth, if we allow it to be.

So today, right now, ask yourself: what do I need that I'm not getting, and how does this impact my parenting? Because I guarantee you, it does.

If you'd like some accountability around this, just leave a comment below and let me know where your being needs attention ~ public accountability is awesome for creating change :)

out of the closet...

You've heard me tell my story (and if for some reason you haven't, you can read it here.)

Every day, in some way, I am reminded how challenging parenting really is. Sometimes it's through my own experience, sometimes it's in listening to others.

Yesterday the awareness came again, not from my own kids, but in talking with friends.  

Parenting is freakin' hard.

Everyone feels it, and we just need to bring that truth out of the closet.  (Here's an amazing Tedx talk about what it's like to live in any closet.)

For a long time, my closet ~ the thing I could not talk about ~ was how hard parenting was for me.  I looked successful in the 'right' ways and my kids seemed  to be doing well.  But I was nearly paralyzed by how difficult it was to hold everything together.  And I felt totally ashamed of how hard it was for me.  I didn't dare to tell anyone, even the parenting coach I was working with (crazy, right?!)

Today, I know that I was never alone, that so many moms feel like this.  And it's become my mission to bring the truth out of the closet and make it normal, so we can deal with it in the daylight, with community and support!

It's okay that parenting is hard.  The real question is, what are you going to do about it?

The hard is an opportunity.  It's a chance to be honest and authentic, and to choose your path.

You can fly by on autopilot. Or, you can step into intention. 

What are you choosing this year?

why I don't celebrate the New Year

As a child, I loved New Years Eve.  We would often visit with cousins, and all the kids had a tradition: we signed our name just before and just after the New Year, as if something significant had happened. 

This was when I started to feel like the turning of a year isn't a life-altering event in itself.

As an adult, for years I celebrated the New Year with friends... I tried to be excited, stay up until midnight, drink champagne... but it always felt anti-climactic.

I was always the same person on January 1 that I had been on December 31. 

And I do understand why people see the New Year as a time for making resolutions, but I never quite got caught up in that action. 

But over the past few years, as I've started really living by my values and priorities, I've begun to see the New Year differently.

This is how I see it now...

Not as a celebration, but an honoring.  Honoring the joys and lessons of the past year, honoring the opportunity to learn from the lessons and make aligned choices in the new year.

Not about making resolutions, but re-evaluating.  Am I using my time and energy in ways that support my values and priorities?  Am I crystal clear on what my priorities are?

Sometimes (and this just recently happened for me) we make a plan that seems to support our priorities, but when we look closer, we see that there's actually a simpler and more direct path to where we want to go.

And so, as we turn the New Year, I invite you to to consider:

~ what are your top three opportunities for growth as you reflect on the past year? 

~ and what are your top three priorities for the coming year?  What three things will you commit to stepping into, to be aligned with your values?

These are not small questions, I know.  Give it some time, make space for clarity to come ~ and when it does, you'll be ready to jump in with both feet because you want to (not because you 'should' :))

My warmest wishes to you and your family for a New Year filled with connection and love.

xoxo Natanya